Thursday, May 2, 2013

Surgical Ankle Fantasies, part 1

My ankle has been shit for about four years now.  It all started when I bailed off my bike riding the dirt jumps in Paramus and came crashing down on the back side of the landing, with all my weight on my foot.  Englewood hospital is the fucking worst and they took an x-ray but didn't notice a part of the ankle that was completely detached.  This wasn't the first or last time I got screwed by this hospital.  I'm not sure why I kept going back, but I was born there, so I had some sentimental attachment I guess.  Anyway, it hurt to drive long distances, hurt to stand in a kitchen all day, and I couldn't run.  I haven't had health insurance since 9/11, but my school now requires everyone to have it, so I got a cheap student insurance plan.  I sprained my ankle last August being stupid, tried to fakie hop off the black hubba in lower Manhattan.  So I decided I didn't want a shitty ankle for the rest of my life, and I have health insurance for once, so I got arthroscopic surgery yesterday.  The doctor removed a piece of bone the size of a thumbnail.
When I was younger I would read Ride BMX all the time, and they always had interviews with pros who were on the "disabled list" as if it was a real sport or something.  They would ask them questions about how they spend their time while their torn ACL heals and the answers would be like "I just play a lot of Madden and spend time with the girl." Or "I get lifted and think of new designs for my signature shoe." None of their answers were ever interesting, like most things in that magazine, so I'm going to try to see if I can deal with recovery time better than a pro in Greenville, NC.

#1. Make a video with any unused clips you might have.  This is where you get to mix footage that probably doesn't go together, such as homoerotic christmas dancing, seagulls eating lunch, british kids jumping off cliffs, some bike riding, and a shout out from a street legend.

things and stuff 4 from peterschwab on Vimeo.

#2. Plan a big move.
First, stare at a map on your bedroom wall.  Look at a part of the country you've never been to, or even wanted to go to.  Find a city with a name that catches your attention, like Harlem...Montana.
Google Harlem, MT.  In 2010 there was a population of 808 people.  In 2000, there was 848 people.  So either people are dying at a fast rate or people are trying to get out of the hood.  As you can see, people don't like to go out in the streets in Harlem.
Look up housing in Harlem, MT.  Average rent is $420.  That's not that bad.
Look up jobs.  Most of the job listings are for nurses and doctors and physician assistants.  That tells you a lot about the people: they're all sick. 
Lastly, youtube search Harlem Montana.  The first video should give you a general idea of what life is like in Harlem.  
Decide whether or not you would want to live there. The shitty population, deserted streets, and the need for health care makes me not want to live there.  But that youtube clip makes it a tough decision.

#3. Arrested Development.
Some believe that Arrested Development can act the same way as Prozac or Zoloft.  It has the ability to cure the worst cases of depression, but may have side effects such as suicidal thoughts, which usually comes when the viewer realizes that the show got cancelled after three seasons.  The creators of the show were being sued for causing too many suicides, so they decided to create a new season that will be released May 26th.

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